Dan Pollard
Transcript:
Does those tune it really gives you better checks. Yesterday I had a clock it was very time consuming. Did you hear whether he's on the moon. So food no mercy. I'm dead. I don't trust those sheets. Those streets empty some why they call them shady that's a good trick. It is a good joke a bad joke. But we need humor right now. So it's great. Bring it bring on the bad dad jokes. Yeah, I told my wife. She should embrace him. It's like you like me love. It's coming and coming and this thing. So those are tuning up kids. When did you get 2 minutes to go. What nobody would join in was the weather. You keep wondering oh damn the weather in Oakland. How has been like a tropical cyclone. It's been absolutely crazy. It's been 1 minute Spain hot. The next minute it starts to rain. Yeah, pretty Yeah, pretty much a winter's day. Yeah, that was a great day. Even if you will miss the record of the strike vote for those who just joined this is my current favorite dead joke. What did 50 seem to be when you was hungry 58. That's a shocker. I like that. What do you do when you're picking on a fruit bingo. It's just this is just it's just actually not so bad. But they're quite good. Right and the numbers are sort of stabilizing so I suppose we went to them. So human coming in. So I don't want to start to on top in case if you will just as slow coaches just come in. But it is eight o'clock. So thank you to those who have tuned up. It's a new time to try and make. So you can get along as time luck as a it's an unusual topic. It's sort of talking about it because this has a big impact on relationships. So this is about how trading partners can communicate better in challenging times visions covered calls cause more pressure and the business with them with cash flow and profit and wanting to in general. So for those who don't know me, I'm Dan pohlad founder of legal software. But also a. And being self-employed since I was 22 a quality businesses successful not last business was 25 staff in the trade business focused company 60 staff. So I've been through all the challenges of rescissions cash flow finances all that sort of what sort of trouble and how that impacts relationships. My guest speaker tonight is Jodi, the Knicks coach. So I really do want to give a 1 minute on who you are and sort of explain why. What did you hear. Absolutely firstly, thank you for inviting me. Dan It's so great to be here. Yes say I've had 20 years working in corporate. My background has always been about working with people, helping people and especially you know figuring out problems. So that led me to coaching. That led me to a role that is full of purpose and helping people create happiness and challenging times. So that's good. That's good. Right So keeping your lines have been muted. So that we don't get background noise. But you put in a box. Just answer the ask questions in the no uncertain as we go within and say, please do that. And the slides will all be seen here at the end. Third party content will go and Jodi will say this, and other slides that will go with this. I don't think you need to make notes in the slides, we won't talk about all of them. But more talking points and who are we to read as we go through it. But she's about trying to. So don't talk too much about your own relationship. But more about how the business impacts the relationship even though it will cross over a little bit, which we just want to focus on the business and the impact that that has. So this is what we're going to try and work towards right. But I was just going to start off with the common dynamic strawberry that goes on between trades people and the opponents. But to start off with I'm going to use the term husband and wife. Is that. So easy for me. Like I don't mean to cause offence to anyone I know there's all sorts of various relationships. But in the way that you're speaking, you're trying to say boyfriend partner girlfriend wife significant other. It's really it's really hard for me to try and juggle all those tunes. And so when I say husband and wife. It's just very easy for me to clearly denote the relationship, but I don't mean to imply anything other than it's a really handy way for me to convey the relationship between the two parties involved because right now 99% of people are actually male. So no offense. I mean by using the term husband wife it just makes it easy. But let's say start with that. And I also, as I mentioned before, had been in business since I was 22 years 23 years right. And I know the impact businesses have on relationships especially the financial strain it's just tremendous. And when the finances are OK then everything else is manageable. But if you think about what's going on for business sign and write this the stress of just doing the jobs line right. Then there's the stress of trying to get systems to work. And then there's the work, then these customers. And then the staff then is whether in his vehicles to speak to the sickness breakdowns emergencies like there's all that going on and the business in his life right. And you can cut with all of that. But if you add in cash flow. And profit or the lack thereof that's when things get really tricky right. So this was something to talk about is that. But how did the cash flow and profit is actually used as a mask for something else that's going on deeper in the relationship. Ron So this will be touching on. But so if we think about the business. The reason we're in business is for two main reasons right. This trades people. One is the joke. I have is most of us are now unemployable. And I'm sure most people and businesses. I've met they've now reached a point where they would really struggle to get back on wages right. And many go into business because we didn't want to work for anyone else. And we want to make some good money and get a hit and provide for our family right. And that was a side note it was you tried to own business for those two reasons. I'm sure there's a few other weird exceptions, but is that it's make to make money. Otherwise, it's not worth the creep. Is you know I see the numbers with the sales of the trades you talk to hundreds and hundreds and hundreds trades and I know that most traders don't have great cash flow will profit most of them actually have real struggles with the finances. And we won't get into why there is trouble on the cash flow in profit. But we've been as honest about how to fix that side of it. But what will have the impact that financial pressure was into it. And you know, I've been through a few relationships and a lot of it was with providers, the pressure of know takes its toll. Right But I wanted to see the same with a common scenario, the common dynamic that seats up between tradespeople and husbands, wives. That's what I use this to I want if you can guys write this one down or just remember this one. And I call it self justification for disconnection because that is what that is what always going wrong and you're in a relationship. Generally speaking is we self justifying why we can not be connected and finding ways to justify why we not connected right. And so the common scenario goes like this in a Trice business relationship very similarly. So imagine he is the wife and she is like cousins spends all time at work. He comes on grumpy and tired. He does engage with me indicates I didn't sign up for the grief of being with a business owner and all the money pressure that goes with it. I want it hasn't he comes home in his present. I'm shattered in the day I need to break from the kids and what some other talk to want the husband is reasons tiny maladroit tightly about it. But on the other side, you got the husband he's like, I'll work so hard. I could not support my family. I don't know how I'm actually keeping it all together. There's so much to do when I get home, I'm shattered. My wife has always disengaged with me. She's always this says, why me. I don't know why. Well, I have to hit the books. The kids are in bed. I'm strung out and tired. I want to engage with the kids and watch. But I'm just I'm just naked right. That's the common scenario right. So many people are blaming each other and blaming the business for the disconnection and they feel justified in the budget right. And both people are totally valid. And so what we're trying to do through this Nick sort of Alan is we try to unpack that and trying to help you see that you as a using that self justification for disconnection. That's actually when I'm fixing things. That's not the intention. It's not to fix anything that has to come from you guys, if you want sex is anything wrong. But hopefully the aim is to start a conversation with the to use your father's right. Now, can you break it down. The partner. And you guys you didn't do any wrong. But what has gone askew and this is the input was the input. But is the ability to communicate in a way that the other person can understand where you are coming from. That's the important right because within this if I can get you to think on justifying my disconnection then have achieved my purpose right. Because once you are aware of what you're doing then it's up to you what to do if that you won seats. So learning that you've been using self justification for disconnection and making you see that it's not the place. That's when change can occur. So it's a complicated little thing to unpack. So hopefully I explain it all very well to explain it well, Jenny. Absolutely Dan, you nailed it. Good luck. I guess I tend to speak in just a minute. I'm just sitting the same for it. Thanks the reality of it is this. If you think about that. You've got one or three options that are going to happen in your relationship status quo is that your Cisco that will go on treatment disconnected disappointed or you can call it quits seek an option call it quits well the third option is having a go at making it work. Is the only two options available. There's no other options like doing nothing. Still Skype and it will probably be too late to break down. Really right. So it really is only option 3 is the only choice. Having it having a go at making it work. And making it work also isn't easy because if you decide to make it work. And I'm talking about from this spatially being and the right in the business in the relationship you have to make the same choices about the business. So let's say you want to be connected as a couple and you decide like we need to make this thing work. And we know that business is a big really big factor in our relationship. You don't have the same three options. Talk about being in business. And the first one is status quo. You can. You could buy status. Can you from the business all hasn't runs in whatever they could go on, which is what led to the stroke in the first place. That's not acceptable. The second one. I don't think this is a really, really actually legitimate option is. You can call it quits on the business and actually both agree that the husband goes on wages and wife works part time because there's not actually a bad option. It removes a whole lot of stress. Know someone's life is coming on wages or going as a contractor or somebody. That's a really legitimate option too. That should be tabled to remove streets or the third option is you agree to both make a go of it. To be in business right. Which is which is also not easy. And so making it work, then looks like that's is the husband. OK I will make time every week or two to sit down with you and let where the business. Is it. I don't have the financial reports up to date. So you know what's going on in the business. Financial and the wife agrees, and she says, OK, I will engage with you in the business and understand what is going on. And I will support you and help you to make the right decisions. And that's what I will fix. That's what it would look like. Now those are all very, very hot places to get to say this. The next 20 minutes is about sitting at the mine seems to be an ability that you could communicate with your ex with each other. So hopefully I'll set the scene set the stage see the scenario. And so generally men talk about the three sister and say what you would call harmony in connection absolutely Dan. So like anything communication is the key. But to have a successful relationship where you're working together. You're working as a team. It's not only about communication. But it's also about connection. It's about building trust together. It's about having that relationship where you feel like you can openly talk to that person. And you know another one is confidence when we have confidence in ourselves. We're more likely to achieve. We're more likely to have a successful relationship because we're confident and who we are and what we bring to the table. So those are the three C's to happiness and harmony and Yeah, hopefully a happy relationship as well. Yeah, so we just wanted to a lot of things. So this is it here. So I'm just going to walk home and talk from the guy quantity because I'm actually qualified as a guy. OK because this is because this. How did how do we get people who try these because the big difficulty is somehow learning to put words to emotions because there's actually a lot harder to do than it can seem. It's like evangelical. This is words I want to say but trying to get them out in a way that works is actually quite tricky right. So how do we get these trainees to talk about what's going on. What's conditions need to be in place in the relationship and with them to feel confident or comfortable to actually have a conversation. What do you think. Well, a big part of opening up of communication especially around an issue that you're facing with your partner is using the I statement. When we use the statement. So I'm feeling like I want to talk to you about something that's actually really important, but sometimes it's about saying it's actually really hard for me to say this. And when we talk the I statement, we're not blaming the other person. We're not saying it's all your fault. We're actually owning it saying, this is how I am feeling. And you know quite often nine times out of 10 your partner wife. They're actually going to feel closer to you. It's actually going to build more trust and make the relationship closer when they say that you're take it off is The Masked to actually say how you feel. And you know it's not always easy for a guy to say that as well. But I think that's the issue really we want to talk about is like it's that classic thing. We know we should do. But we don't do it. So how do help. This is what you hear right. This is why people come to see you right. It's because I like something going on and they don't know how to actually communicate in the eye because often they can say, well, the customers are less the softer tone that she's doing that is actually quite tricky to go. I feel really stressed when my customers yell at me. I feel really stressed. It's actually really hard to learn to put those emotions into words and to use the statements right. And then that is that then means you don't have the ability to communicate how you're feeling and anon taking my to your partner. Right Yeah. So that is and that is. So what are some tricks you use a trans woman to learn to like you need to learn to speak in the eye. What you did on feeling. Yeah, absolutely. And it's not always easy to talk about our feelings. So one thing we can do is sometimes it's a simple things like taking a deep breath and before we're actually going to communicate and see how we're trying to feel we actually want to think about, well, what am I trying to get across here. What is my intention on this conversation. And that's when it comes down to learning about mindful communication communicating in a way that your being heard and your partner understands you. That's you know that's actually with techniques like this that that is this then is that right. That is learning to put those emotions into words in a way that you can understand. And it's not attacking right. It's accepting. So it's a communications hard because you have to do all of this in one conversation. So you have to hold. It's actually really I think people underestimate how hard it is to communicate effectively because you have to do these three things here. It's really hard. That's why there's you know we have miscommunication and we have arguments and it's because we're not communicating correctly and when we mindfully communicating we're actually thinking about what we're saying instead of the ego taking over because sometimes it's about, well, what do I want. What do I want to happen with this. That's about. Well, it's speaking in a way where there's a mutual understanding and that builds the rapport and the trust. And so I can say I come back says when I started with self justification with this connection right. So I think the first part of before you have you can actually have a real conversation with your partner is you have to go. What are my what excuses are my using for the disconnection and the blame and the hurt and are they. Are they real and valid because that's the reason I feel this way doesn't actually mean it. That is what it is. Just because you feel that way doesn't mean, it's valid right. Like you know these examples I can't stand what chocolate. It's just I just can't stand it. That's how I feel. But there's no logic to it. I just chocolate. It's the same with you. A lot of emotions just cause you feel that way doesn't mean it's right. The kids feel like it's a real. The feeling is real. It doesn't go into the ballot but it takes a bit of time to think, gosh. All these years of resentment you know, and all these years and years of carrying a built up these court these walls if you read justified in your position. And that's valid right. Like I mean, you know. You know my writers got stuck in that pen for years and years and years and years. And they really had to break. Like I really had to break in. You know the reason I'll give all the jokes is we've got professional help. Gosh it was great to learn to learn those tools or how to actually communicate on these three things. It's actually quite tricky to learn to communicate them. And I don't know how you can do it without help really. I sense of excitement. Exactly You can't break breaking you take you to mechanic if your plan is broken. You get a plumber in. Well, if your patient needs patching. Why would you try and do it yourself. Was like maybe you just need some help to help nudge it along. And I kind of that to miss. It's not counseling. It's just a communication coach right. Which is why you need to have similar rights like this just coaching. So we'll move to the next. I think this is I think this is important. And so what are you doing a little lead right on actually setting yourself up to have a successful light you you're sitting in a place and time to talk because you know here's my point having conversation with night you both can home this sports practice right. Absolutely It's all about setting the scene. And it's all about how your mindset is at the time. For example, you've had a crappy day the job, something's happened to the job. You're feeling frustrated and angry, but you know you need to talk to your partner about something that's been brewing the worst thing you want to do is get home and say, look, we need to talk. It's about again, that's around your own sort of mindfulness awareness. It's picking the right time. Picking a time where you're in a really good mindset that you're ready to actually openly talk about that struggle and then obviously, you can talk about it together as a couple and start figuring out Well, this is the problem we're facing right now with the business or whatever it else. But so what can we do together as a team. And Yeah. And also, it doesn't hurt to have a nice dinner together a nice glass of wine. Set the scene. So you're both in a happy relaxed state ready to talk. That actually makes a massive difference to the outcome of the conversation. And I wouldn't you know I would encourage. That's been my experience and having lots of trainees through all this is let's just say you see it sort of time whatever it is. Let's do this and whatever. And the kids are going to go to the grandparents for the night or whatever it is that in a set aside a time. Once a week or once a fortnight to actually talk about the business. And what's going on. But you got to see that time to be a successful talk. And so that means I'm just using scenarios. But you need to work on it for have sales. But it means both people are committed to being in the good frame of mind to be able to talk and they are both also agree to hold their end of the bargain. Which is why I started on. If you decide to make a business work, then you agree to think things like for whatever the husband will absolutely make sure we cancel that meeting. He's finished work early. He's high. He showered. He say he's in a good mood. He's actually dived the financial reports available to actually know. So again, if you say yes he's with cash. He's a profit. The jobs is up. This is what's going on. But then the wife also makes sure that the kids are gone that she's also not tired or grumpy and she's been out just being sick. She says she can come home and be ready to engage and actually and actually be involved. And so I actually treating that meeting with respect because if it was a proper work meeting that you both tuned up and were prepared to be engaged in because that's respectful and if you sign a sign if you want to have a successful relationship check the same thing that you say Saturday night. Kendra why do you sit there. You see the time out to have a successful conversation. And so I think this a huge part of having good communication is sitting the communicated the time for communication apple succeeds. Absolutely It is so unlike anything in life. It's about the right time. It's about the right time to talk about something that is potentially quite serious and important. So be mindful around when you choose that time and make sure it works for both of you. So you're both not stressed and that that's a really good start to a really good conversation, nothing. I think what how often do you think couples should be sitting time aside to actually be delivered about the communication like what have you found is that once a week, once a month you know once a day like you know to me about once a fortnight for business chicken feels about right. Once a week with the amazing. That is pretty much about once a fortnight. All right. But for right religion chickens if we can get young kids sense that much as well. Well, we know what many things were who you know a good level of engagement to keep things ticking along in good health. Absolutely You know everyone is different individuals. Some people are extremely busy where it's quite hard to do that. But if you want to make something work. You actually have to make the time both of you are like right. I want to make this work, I want to have great communication with you. You know Dan, I would probably say once a week, even if it's just something where you plan together like, let's have that chat. How are we going with the business. How are we going with the relationship. You know it's. Yeah And you could also make it a date night as well. You go to bed at lunchtime. You know I know that that would how are we going. Read what is really important to me, because these you know being the boss is always a lonely struggle right. And so using that wayward species the guys that it's a really big deal. It feels like we are actually in this together. And that would be a really nice thing to hear as a guy that we would. That would be awesome, right. Every great place that we actually are in this together. And that's a good question. What if the other person doesn't want to be in it to keep its. Well, it's like anything in life, we need to make a choice. We need to make a decision. Is this going to work. Because if you want a healthy happy relationship where you're being honest with each other. It is you've got to be 50-50. You can't just be one person. You know more than the other. It's about we want to make this work. What do we need to do to make this work. And if something is important to you, you will make the time that slightly with anything in life. The thing is that we think we love it. What if what if one partner says, I actually don't want to be involved in the business. Well, that could happen that could cause he don't want to be like he didn't really want to be there. I mean, it's really hard. I love it. Yeah well you talk about it. You communicate it. How is it going to affect the relationship as is this. Do you still want to be with that person, if they're not going to help you build the business together if it's something that you want to do to give up. Like anything. It's black or white. You make the decision. I think that's the thing about freedom is that you're not free from your consequences like that. That's the classic one yet. You absolutely had a choice, but that choice has consequences. And it is a matter of weighing out the consequences of your choices and the natural chain of events that would cascade from that decision. And so if you're in that place. Well, this is not the form to actually allow if you're in that place. It's a hard place to be. But I believe everything is about compromise. If you want something to work, you will make it work compromise. Talk about it together. That that's the only way through it. And obviously good communication around how you feel about it, both of you together. Well, this. I mean, at least to the next slide right. And I think the key word in this slide is mindfully communicating and also to talk about mindfulness reflection. I did mindfulness a few years ago and sort of just I just I just did those you took video yoga, meditation. What worked for me was a just as a yoga talking to get into a good calm state of mind. And that she is actually like changing inside takes 10, 15 minutes a day. I don't do it now calls it a prop. 8 year or two is great. Gosh it was good. If you like changing and for any of you guys in the garlic audience still don't mind those illnesses, it's like changing it actually. It's so weird to think it's like, you're wrong. It's actually doing 10 or 15 minutes. Meditation in the morning. Gosh it's enough for me. I just put on the YouTube video and the guy a woman just talks. You just breathe right. And relax. Gosh that's just psycho company that. And so but what it does is substitute Diop well to be calm and collected and then the that alone should be much more mindful when you're communicating with you with everyone. And so it's meaningful communication, which is really important. That's what this link. Take from you. Absolutely So yes, I'm mindful communication. It's around the people that you deal with on your day to day life, your relationships, how you feel about yourself when you're mindful about it. You're more aware of your emotions you're more aware of your actions. And even sometimes it's the words you speak when you're more mindful you're more present in the moment, which means you've got more focus and clarity. So like what Dan was saying a quick 10 minute mindful meditation. It doesn't have to be hard. Very simple can actually be life changing and you can actually have huge results just by doing that every day not ending with this my first have to find what works for you like some people like the music. Some people like doing the stretching. Some people like bacon silence. But you see you just going to find out what works for you. And so for me, it was just an idea of someone talking about relaxing and breathing. Nick if that worked for me, that was great enabling us to sort of ease as a way that brings you back into your body because you've reconnected. And it's quite shy and it's quite a lot of times, it just helps you to cope with all the stresses of your day. And the reason we talk in here to talk about is, you know I know I'll do a thing before I have a conversation with anyone. I go like you know my hungry and thirsty in my tired my grumpiest enough because if I'm in that state of mind. I know I don't have a difficult conversation. I put it off till I resolved those things because I've now worked out that the best conversations don't often come about when I'm grumpy tired or hungry. You don't get the best period of a tuning up. Some know much more mindful of my physical state because it is such a big impact on my mental state inability to emotionally communicate. Yeah, absolutely. And you know also even making those tough, hard decisions when you're running a business like what Dan was saying, if you're hungry. If you're tired of your needs are being met yet you're not in the right frame of mind to make that decision or to be on that phone call. So mindful communication is being mindful around what works for you. So I couldn't stress enough how amazing meditation will change your life. Absolutely It can really, really help in so many areas, even in your relationships as well because you've got more self awareness of who you are and what you bring to the table. And what meditation doesn't mean sitting in a yoga pose. That's reality. Not like I just lie down on the beach for 10, 15 minutes. There was nothing. So you don't ever think it. It's a lot easier than you think. But there is no. I mean, it's so much as if you're having that conversation on Thursday night. The conversation starts in the morning by being calm and relaxed and prepared all day long you've got it. You got to prepare for that meeting for the whole diocese. So that meeting goes well. So you've hit your head is in the right place to get those good conversations. And so I think this is like this is you know this keep getting into the week we're take it off is The Masked right. And so it's like I want to start this off right handed over the Jodi would be you know I talked to a lot of people a lot of traders I should say really in a lot of trading business owners get caught not caught sort of like probably attraction of can often be that you try to. It isn't business and appears to be successful when a piece of heaven together. But the reality is it's very stressful. It's very lonely. Often the tapes often got skill sets lacking and missing. I often try to be very good at, the skills, but often lacking some skills and find its people a chance scalability systems, processes right. You don't know what you don't know, but you just don't you know it's not going so well. But you seem to been wearing this mask of for so long. It's become part of the sign it. And then it starts well your ego gets tied up in it right. This mask of this image you will portray but having it all together when the reality is it can often be quite different in your for those who were listening to my story, my first couple of businesses in my 20s didn't go at all. Well Here's one that was closed with tax troubles. And the second one I closed the straits channels right. So I know what it's like to wear the mask and not to be honest and open with you run around what's actually going on in your life. And it does. No one no favors having that mask right. It doesn't mean, you used to be young she was even what's going on. But it means. It means with your partner. Actually being honest with the struggles and getting with concepts like, hey, you can't be good at everything you can be a great tragedy and you're like a great finance accountant bookkeeper and integrate. It's just not possible. Have all the skills. And this. OK realizing that if you were in that mask and it can lead to this wheelchair you will pick it up right during that mask it can lead to that that anxiety right. The negative, it can stop you wanting to be vulnerable. So take it off is The Masked. It's a really big deal. And I don't want it is. It's not easy. If you're in this place. It's not easy, but it is why you see the majority. But what do you pick it up for later. Absolutely So humans need connection to thrive. We're not actually meant to be isolated and alone. And when we connected with someone we feel whole. So the whole connection thing. It's around. Like Dan was saying like learning to take off the mask and to do that. It's being honest with yourself. It's saying, this is who I am. I'm struggling with something with you know, to your partner and actually just saying this is actually what's happening in the business not what you think. So And also that that will build such rapport with your partner as well, she'll actually really appreciate it because you're taking off that mask. We all wear masks to you know a persona of who we're meant to be. So taking that off just makes a massive difference. Another thing with connection is the words we speak to ourselves and the words we speak to our partner. You know words can be such powerful things. They can either make something or break something. So the words that you speak is how you actually connect. So yeah, it's learning to mindfully speak in a way that is going to be positive, uplifting and you know build that connection with your partner and with the people that you work with on a day to day basis. And if you've been hopefully you'll sign to see that the presentation has been laid out that you've agreed to be in business together right. So that's the first thing you have to sort out. Are we going to do this together or not. And if that's the case really talking that you set yourself up to have successful conversations by bringing together the right information, but also, you're creating the right opportunity to have that conversation. Ron and so now you're starting to see your up to be in a position to be actually vulnerable and open and honest, because now you're talking about what the business needs and you're framing in a way you don't have those skills. And it's fine. And your partner. What is your best call. We're all happy. We'll have one person. We'll help employ someone like you guys working together to solve the problems. And so that allows you a safe place to take off the mask and be vulnerable because you've agreed to do it together. And offset the more that one could say that would wait. We can do this. On we will sort it out. That would be that would be an amazing thing to hear. Is the husband and the last thought he is yourself talks important the words you speak to yourself, are really important like it's like, hey, don't beat yourself up if you're not great at finances if you're not great. And what is fine. You guys are great. Find this employee someone who was great no trouble just find ways to solve it. That's the main thing. That's the main thing there. And so then. Because if you don't do that, then you get stuck on this paradigm right now on this. Understanding each other. That's the that's the annoying thing right. Because I remember when we first meet. One of the first things I told told you about what I'm trying to explain in the sweeping is the quality of your life is dependent on the quality of your relationships. So should you relationships equals a shitty life. You know, loving relationships equals a loving life. And so you do. If you say to me if you don't want that relationship. Great Well more power to you. Do you think that's great. But if you want a loving relationship with a quality relationship. It's a quality of life that connection matters. But that connection only matters when you've actually found a way to be vulnerable open with each other. And so if you're in that place. It's why you will often need help like Jodi to get us on it. Talk to you. They help you to get to that place we can connect. Like do you want to take it through like what you sort of do to them. What do you want people 3, 2, 1 to connect. Absolutely You know like anything, it's not always easy to change something. But Dan was saying like having a relationship like that like having that connection sometimes you know we're going to face issues. And it's not always easy to talk about. It's not always easy to openly communicate. So what I do is I work together with you. And we figure out where are you right now. Where do you want to be. And what are the things that we need to do to get you talking to get you in that place of good communication and a loving connecting relationship. And that's one of the things obviously a coach will do. They'll ask you questions that you wouldn't normally think of to get you thinking in a very different way. And more of a OK. We've got a problem. How do we solve it. What do we need to do. And that's right. Because you know as mentioned at the start. If you like the choice is always yours right. But your choices are never free from consequences. So as mentioned at the start. You got 3, you got three choices. Status quo. Disconnected not that right. Second choice is just call it quits or the third option is to give it the best go to try and improve things. And if you think about it, there is no choice really. But to do number three because not number two is like fun Breaking up is no fun when you are no fun. So it leaves you with just trying to improve things. And so why wouldn't you why wouldn't you give it a go and why wouldn't you just go and talk to someone to go. Actually, you don't communicate that well. The one that quite interesting that you know I've put words into what's going on. Because he runs most people were actually really good at talking and he talked to most people. But he was not a good communicator. Even though he had a good communication. Oh, absolutely. It's just because our ego takes over. So I call him great. I'm a good communicator. Everything's fine. But obviously other people may disagree. So it's learning the right way to communicate to have more healthy happier relationships. Yeah And so what I say to those who are listening, you may be a great communicator. But the way you're communicating is effective for your partner. So you have to learn to communicate in a way that your partner actually understands. And if you flip it around. And so you're thinking about that. You need to say what you're feeling and then say did you get it. You repeat it back to me. Do you understand. It might make you repeat that back to you. It's not word with word, but like so you can shake in it. They actually do understand where you're coming from. And it's actually quite revealing when you try to get into a repeat of back. That is so many mistakes in the narrative. Because it's actually really hard to get someone to. It's hard to communicate in a way, the other person can actually understand. It takes a lot of effort. Actually it's not just words. Now I've explained all those words to explain one or two points of communication on one. And there's no disagreement. There's no emotion that state does my money is my kids there's no going on. And it was still hard to communicate that wonderful point. So that's how hard communication actually is. But you've got no choice where you do have a choice. So you just consequences. And so it depends. So the decision you have to make is what consequences do I want because there's only so he was telling me one of three options really. So which one. Which one are you. So even by not choosing, you're making a choice. And that's the great thing about life. Even by not choosing you've made a choice. So what can we do. What can we do develop a connection. This is a library of well to develop a better connection. It's about honesty. It's about Manning up and just having that conversation around like I was saying at the start of this about I'm feeling this way. Can we talk about this or that. Look, I think both people to both people. It's not just. Oh, absolutely. But both here. But obviously, there's always going to be a talker there's always gotta be a listener. And it's about taking those turns. But it's about being just honesty with each other. And when you're honest you can actually face things like so much better than sort of just small talk or saying how things are. But really, that's not the truth. So you know that mindful connection is around honesty and it's around vulnerability and it's around taking our masks off and just being real and honest with each other to build that closeness. But I think also you like there's also it's like that story of Mike, when I heard a story like that when it is say you were like rush hour traffic or driving home from work. Right and then a person cut cut you off right. And they just kind of cross your lines and cut you off you save your brakes on. And you're furious. You know used swear words. Thank you, Lord. Fear is that. You know if feel we feel quite justified in your anger of that person. And then somehow you find else actually that Kristen was rushing the shoulder and hit my car. The hospital is like, oh, no way she justified in so. But that same principle applies as you just do not know what's going on for other kids and you just do not know. You may think you know. And so when you go into a conversation, you have to go in with that open mindset that you just do not know what's going on with that person and that you can only communicate with your read interact on where they're at. But all but always approach that conversation with your partner with that that open friend in mind of why she. I don't know where they're at. I don't know. I don't actually know what's going on for them. And just bringing that open that openness into the comment. Well, that frame of mind to the conversation. Right So people got the freedom to express how their how am I feeling today. Absolutely, and it's about having patience with each other. And it's about having compassion and care for each other. Like you say, no one knows what someone's gone through. And it's very easy to have blame and judgment. So take a step back from that and just have a bit of patience with your partner and Yeah, that will absolutely build a closer connection as well. And I think that's because the hard thing is maybe if you just want to use the mirror you could probably talk it out just to get a teen. Wow 15 years. Right and you've been in business all that long it's easy for the two partners to go into a lockstep pay. She does this. He does that. He does that she does. That's right. Carlos can get caught in this lockstep way of thinking and being right. This is dance and it's well known on. And so if you guys are there and the dances like he does that she does that dat dat tit for tat. It's hard to break in say that's when you needed a couple of trade go away. Good decisions and start from the beginning. Absolutely I mean, hey, it's not easy. Any big change is not easy. But if it's something that you want. If it's something you want to do together. If it's worth doing then I say, just do it do what it takes to create that amazing connection. Yeah, there's a lot of work in there actually a lot of work. Like any job. There's a lot of work from the thumb to rebuild it. Yeah right. I think there's some I want to hear from a woman's distinctive because this was you know this is your side more really. So I want to hear from you from a woman's perspective. Absolutely What we need to try to get to that grief in being a woman as well. It's hard. We're both think so differently. So you know, this particular slide is about facing our struggles with confidence in our confidence can go a very long way. And you know it starts with loving yourself. It starts with that self acceptance around who you are, what your strengths are and what you're bringing to the table and your business and relationship. You know another thing is letting go around the whole. I have to let go all the time. I have to be perfect all the time and just start doing your absolute best might just be the best that you can be and just walk in your stride with confidence and that can be for both men and woman. Absolutely especially the once again, that would require both people actually knowing that they're insecure or have weaknesses or growth areas growth opportunities. Absolutely regarding self addiction and knowing the weaknesses right inside of it all kinds of you know it all comes back from that saying it my style, which is it self-justification put this connection like actually learning to think, oh, like one McCain this way. Why might justify my behavior. Is that and went to if you choose to go down that road. It's a very powerful road to go down if you chose to go down the road this one's that can be quite tough, because it means lots of things will bubble up that need to be dealt with. Right once you start realizing oh, I can't keep justifying my disconnection on ABC DNA right. They continue to get it right. It will have consequences. Freedom of choice but not free from consequences at all. Absolutely Well, we've got 10 minutes. If you want got a couple more slides to go through. So I'll keep the next one I think this is for me, this was going to be this wonderful confidence man's man's point of view in my situation a very, very, very confidence agreement saying which a lot of truth on this that low self esteem and ego is based on being competent. If you're really competent at a discipline that can lead to a lot of confidence. And so traits in a generally very competent because a very competent at their jobs. They can sell stuff, right. They know they can fix stuff they know they can get out of situations, they can solve it. But where is he most rated do not have confidence is actually the business skills during that business because they're not competent on the financial side, they don't really know how to grow businesses that aren't really no reports that aren't in there are the numbers that aren't real is going on. And that leads to not have the confidence, which leads to the ego, which leads to that disconnection which leads to fudging blaming discounting. So a but here's the thing. If you're not good on finances then you just need to get somebody help you a bookkeeper once a week accounting once a week with someone once a week for a few hours to do the reports no say, no, it's going up. So this thing that would go out like you work when you witness this just work on your strengths. But thankfully weaknesses. So if you're not feeling competent and your finances and trust me, if you fix the finances in your business. You know what's going on and share it with your partner. You kind of fix most of the business problems because they now know what's going on. So I would really encourage you guys to if you know you don't know what's going on in your business with finances plays to get someone to help them. And that will improve. So many aspects of the business in the relationship because you now know what's going on with the money and an annual partner nails knows what's going on with the money. And you can both say, well, what are we going to do about it. If you're in that place, then things are actually going to start really, really looking good for you guys as a couple. And let's get to your patients right not you. Oh, this is you. This is you. This is the last line summary in the last slide before the summary. Yes So for you to develop better confidence with yourself and in your relationships. A big part. And that's even just as human beings, as learning to let go of our past and our mistakes because it really is a waste of time. It's one of those things that's it's gone. So focus more on the now. Focus on today. You will also need help to do that. Absolutely yes. Like anything change can be hard, but there is always a way, if you want something bad enough, there is always a way. And that comes down to getting help. Absolutely Another thing is I mean. Yes this is something I discovered and worked really hard on is like relationships can if you're not careful if you want to build a loving, kind relationship you actually have to build it. But if you try you're right. It like an emotional toxic dumping ground to work well you'll crap out you to kind of ever going to I have a crappy relationship like your relationship is not an emotional toxic dumping ground for you to, while you're in shit out. It's supposed to be a loving, kind fun happy thing. And so if you wanted to be funny kind loving happy you actually have to speak words that are like that. You have to bring those behaviors into that relationship because that's what it will stop to stop the bleeding. It's always blamed negativity disconnection. Well, guess what. It's going to build. So you have to be remorseful. The words you speak and the thoughts and feelings you have about your agent if you wanted to bloom into something beautiful. You dirty. Absolutely That was another thing I was going to say. It's all around our language and the words we speak. And that makes a massive difference to the relationship as well. Yeah Is there anything else about confidence. Another thing I would suggest is building a emotional resilience. And challenges. That takes guts. And that is something that will build your confidence. And it will build your strengths. Yes So the emotional resilience through the business through whatever it is that you're going through in life if you can tackle that you are on your way to being confident with getting through and still a great dad. Yeah, I agree. And I think the 0.3 is kind of this is the big one. We'll see they're all big point. But there's a big one. This applies to mean any woman right. To stop worrying about how other people perceive you. And just be your authentic self with you with your partner and just be actually, I'm great at this, and I'm struggling at this. Can you help me absolutely. Yeah I'm. And hopefully they get a yes. I'd love to that would be the best place to be in a place every place. All right then three things. You're the resident for them. Absolutely So for better a better, happier relationship where you're working on a business together. You're working on a happy relationship. Have mindful communication and build that connection, which builds rapport which which builds trust and have confidence to work on it together. Yeah Yeah Yeah. Well one's done so to sort of ramp up on the self put this connection. If I just think about that because you know as I mentioned three times you've got the freedom to choose. But you're not free from the consequences of your choices. And it's really important to think about those two things together and you've got three choices. Status quo. Break it off. We'll actually do something together. And by not choosing, you're making a choice. And so it's a long, long journey to real really effective. Good communication. I do wish you all the best. I do hope we've been out at value I do hope you would reach out to Jodi using some stuff else. She's here as she deals a trade. She knows what's going on. So that's why she's here. We've seen some second after this recording the nights into separate Jodi we thought we would not have lots of business counting on it. Right So if you've got this trouble like cash flow. What stuff is he of webinars on here. Thank you think you Shelley's a great not making a choice is making a choice. Yeah well you've done it with his answers. This is Jodi so Jodi is happy to talk to you at any time to do it. It's going to be cool with you. Go to her website, sign up and she's got she's got a few offers to do that. Thank you Jodi for coming. Thank you. Dan, it was a pleasure. And I realized it was quite an interesting topic to talk about. But I really hope that the audience got something out of tonight around the importance of mindful communication and your relationships and business. Me too. I do hope I've been able to. Wasn't too challenging and too forthright with you all. I have good intentions I wish you guys all the best and hopefully we'll see it further with analysis and then we'll all talk to you soon. I hope. All right. All the best. Thank you.
